9. Sesame-Peanut Noodles

Losing 18 pounds in the past two months is a very satisfying achievement for me.  When I started all of this I promised myself I would buckle down and be more strict about my diet, but the funny thing is I haven't needed to be very strict.  I don't know how many diets I tried that involved strict eating routines.  Don't get me wrong, there are certain guidelines I'm following.  One is drinking more water and unsweetened green tea.  I don't gulp water down like its going out of style I just constantly have a cup of ice water at hand and drink from that, then refill it when it's done.  Then I try to get four cups of green tea in a day, which is supposed to be good for just about everything.  What this does for me is keeps my soda intake low.  Diet soda isn't all that bad to drink but it isn't quite the fat fighter that plain water and green tea are.  The only meal that I try to strictly adhere to is breakfast.  I just try to eat something as soon as I get up, which is usually two eggs either over easy or poached and whole wheat toast. 

The rest of the day depends on when I get hungry.  I loosely try to follow a three meal, three snack structure.  I try to keep the meals light, which usually come from the recipes I post here.  The snacks are also light, about 100 to 200 calorie snacks.  The one thing I try to do is not let myself get too hungry.  When I get too hungry I'm prone to cravings and binges.  I used to think that being hungry was good when dieting and just part of the process, actually no.  Everything I read about weight loss says that letting yourself get hungry is not a good thing.  I know it's anecdotal but I had a roommate that ate almost all day long and lost over a hundred pounds to get down to the ideal weight for his height and structure.  His trick of course was eating healthy food and plenty of exercise.  

Another thing I do is not to let the rules make me miserable.  I've always had a hard time adhering to rules and the more they were imposed upon me the more I resented them.  So I permit myself to cheat occasionally.  This may mean drinking the occasional soda or having  some sort of junk food.  However, I try not to over do it.  If I have a soda, it will be just one glass instead of the whole two liter or a six pack.  If I have pizza I'll try to have two or three slices rather than a whole large pizza.  If I have chips, I try to have a handful or two rather than the whole bag.  This is really the way I used to eat.  I try to keep it healthy but there are just certain things I won't turn down: steak (which isn't too bad if you don't eat much with it); sushi (which isn't really fattening); pizza (see above); and free booze.  Fortunately I don't come across these things too readily anyway so it's easy to only have them occasionally.  

Since I'm not much of a rules person this seems to work for me and the main thing that helps is, if I deviate a little I always try to return healthy eating.  I don't know how many times in the past I've cheated a little and then gave up the diet.  Well, if I'm really going to lose weight I have to change my eating habits for life and that means that when I do cheat I just gotta bounce back.  It sounds simple but it is more difficult in practice.

Sesame-Peanut Noodles
 I found this recipe in Ted Allen's cookbook The Food You Want to Eat.  It's healthy, light, and quite tasty.

INGREDIENTS

Here are the ingredients I used to make the recipe.

Kosher salt
1/4 cup sesame seeds
1/4 cup peanut butter
1/4 cup toasted sesame oil
1/3 cup roasted peanuts
1/3 cup soy sauce
1 tablespoon of red wine vinegar
1 tablespoon of mirin (Japanese cooking wine) or Sherry
2 medium garlic cloves
1/4 tablespoon crushed red pepper flakes 
1 English cucumber peeled
1 pound soba noodles
1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
3 green onions, green parts only, sliced 1/4 inch thick on an angle

Bring a large pot of salted water (1 teaspoon of salt per quart of water) to a boil.

Meanwhile, toast the sesame seeds in a dry skillet over medium heat.  Stir this frequently until the seeds turn golden brown, about five minutes.

In a food processor, combine peanut butter, sesame oil, peanuts, soy sauce, vinegar, sherry, garlic, and red pepper flakes.  Process to a puree, then stir in half the toasted sesame seeds.

I couldn't find mirin and I don't have sherry.  So I left that out of the mix, but I'm sure it wasn't a huge loss. 

Cut the peeled English cucumber in half lengthwise and scoop out the seeds with spoon.  Slice the halves crosswise, about a 1/4 inch thick, set aside.  Frankly, I didn't find much of a difference in the flavor of an English cucumber and a regular-ass cucumber.

Here is another one of my kitchen helpers.  He's ten and his favorite job is tasting cucumbers.  It's good to see he likes something other than his usual diet of pb & j and boxed mac and cheese.

When the water comes to a boil, add the noodles and cook until tender, about 4 to 5 minutes.  Drain very well, shake the colander until it stops dripping and dump the noodles into a large bowl.  Add the peanut mixture, cilantro (I used dry cilantro rather than fresh.), and black pepper.  Toss to coat.  

Turn out on a large platter.  Arrange the cucumber around the edge of the platter.  Sprinkle the green onions on top, and sprinkle the remaining sesame seeds on last.  Serve warm or at room temperature.

It's not on a platter but I was the only one eating it when it was done so a single plate it is.

It's nutty goodness with noodles! 

My inspirational hero of the day is Ted Allen.  I first saw him as the food guy from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.  His latest claim to fame is the show Chopped on Food Network.  However, my favorite show of his is Food Detectives, imagine Mythbusters but with food.  That's right you may notice a pattern with my heroes being linked to science.  I think science is the best thing humans got going for them.  And check it out!  He's wearing a CBGB apron that is totally awesome!

8. Avo Olive Nori

II went to the cardiologist this past Monday.  You may already know that I suffered from heart failure a few years ago. I also have high blood pressure and an enlarged heart.  So my GP thought it a good idea to see a cardiologist to see how my heart is doing.  The cardiologist was very impressed with the recent improvements in things medically with me and he's started some tests to have a look at things for himself.  He had some blood drawn and an EKG done.  Next Thursday I'm supposed to go in for a stress test and eventually they want to do an ultrasound to look at my heart.  

However, the really good news is, they weighed me and I lost another ten pounds.  That makes for a total of eighteen pounds in just about two months.  So, I'm pretty happy about that and I hope to keep losing more weight.  For my height and frame I still have about two hundred pounds to go.  

Avo Olive Nori
Ingredients

Here are the ingredients I used for the dish.

1 large ripe avocado
1 small tomato
3/4 cup pitted olives
1 teaspoon soy sauce
1 tablespoon lemon juice
bean sprouts
nori sheets

Split avocado witha knife and discard the seed.  Spoon the flesh from the peel, cut it into small pieces, and place it in a large bowl.  You'll want room for mixing.  Pour the lemon juice over the avocados to prevent oxidizing. 
Dice the tomatoes and olives and place them in the bowl with the avocado.  Then add the soy sauce and stir for about ten seconds or so.
 Place a nori sheet onto a clean, dry cutting board. Nori is the same seaweed sheets they use to roll sushi.  You should be able to find this stuff any where sushi fixin's are sold.  This can be rolled with a bamboo sushi rolling mat, but I did it just fine with my bare hands.  Besides, I don't have one of those mats so I didn't have a choice.

Here is the avocado olive mixture.

Take a cup of the mixture and place a half cup of it onto the nori sheet and spread it to the sidest.  Leave about an inch at the top and bottom.  See photo.
 
Place a handful of beansprouts on top of the mixture.  The original recipe that I took this from called for sunflower sprouts.  I changed it to bean sprouts because I think the only way you can get sunflower sprouts is to grow them yourself and most people won't do that.  So I figure bean sprouts should be fine because, even if I am wrong and some store out there carries the sunflower sprouts,  the bean sprouts are easier to find, even if you have to buy them in a can!

It rolled quite well when I spread the mixture like this.

Now roll it very carefully because the nori can tear easily.  The mixture is about enough to make three or four rolls depending on how you spread it.

At this point it looks like a big green cigar.

Slice the roll into about five to six pieces.  When cutting into the roll gently saw into it.  Cutting down hard into the roll as if it were a salami or something, will pinch the roll and just be a mess. 

Place the rolls on a plate and enjoy.

It looks like sushi, but there is not rice, so it's not.

My inspirational hero of the day is Dr. Michio Kaku, a theoretical physicist, cosmologist, and futurist.  He is a popularizer of science as well as an advocate for the ethical use of science.  I first heard of him as a guest on the wildly woo-woo late night radio show, Coast to Coast with Art Bell.  He was quite a breath of fresh air among the usual line up of charlatans and pseudo-scientists on the show.  Although he works on the fringes of science and ponders some things that may be far out, he bases everything in solid real science.  I admire his persistence in popularizing science to make it more understandable and accessible to the layperson in a time when we surprisingly need him and others like him to combat the harm pseudo-science and superstition can do.

7. Hummus and Pita Chips

I learned more about Mediterranean cuisine after I became a vegetarian.  I ate a "lacto-ovo vegetarian" diet for twenty years, from the ages of 15 to 35, before I returned to an omnivorous diet.  Lacto-ovo means the only animal products I would eat were eggs and milk, but not flesh, not even chicken or fish.   My motto was, if it took a shit, I won't eat it.  I could pick from plenty of reasons why I was such an angry teenager so I won't go into that too much.  When I discovered punk rock it really spoke to me, especially the tunes of violence, nihilism, and those rife with swear words.   After a few years I discovered the political side to punk rock and how offensive it was to the authorities that I hated so much.  I didn't realize the mere mention of anarchy and vegetarianism could strike dread and fear into so many people, especially during the square-ass Reagan years.  By the time I was fifteen I had been a self-declared atheist of six years and now my new way of annoying the squares was becoming a vegetarian.  I didn't do it for health reasons but the sheer purpose of making people feel guilty about eating animals.  Sure I was full of a lot of contradictory cliches and poorly stated arguments.  But I wasn't looking to win arguments with reason, but emotion.  If I pissed you off, I won.  The world pissed me off and I wanted to feed it its own medicine.

At first, I lost a lot of weight, but it may not have been strictly due to my change in diet.  At the time my mom only had 20 bucks a week to feed three kids and herself.  So there wasn't a lot of soda and junk food around.  There was a lot of stuff for grilled cheese sandwiches, and some of our neighbors gave us veggies from their gardens.  So I ate a lot of grilled cheese sandwiches with tomato, fried zucchini, and drank plenty of tap water the summer I became a  vegetarian.  My mom hated that I was a vegetarian because it played hell with her 1950s and 60s mentality.  But I probably saved her a lot of money in those times.  Vegetarians are a dime a dozen today but it was almost unheard of in the 80s and boy did the normies hate it.  It was actually dangerous.  At high school bullies used to try to force feed me meat, some broke into my locker and put meat in it, and sometimes people just threw the stuff at me from their cars.  This really was what it was like to be a punk rocker in a backward town like Toledo back then.  I guess a part of me enjoyed it.  It justified my hatred of the world. 

After a while, my mom found a job and started making more money.  Well, we always had a lot of sodapop and potato chips around the house and that didn't have any meat in it so I ate a lot of shit like that and gained weight again.  Being a vegetarian is no guarantee of being healthy or thin, I know first hand.  Flash forward twenty years I was still a vegetarian because it was a habit by then more than anything.  The morality of it all wasn't very strong with me in the first place and the shock value wore off.  However, when I slid into a mental breakdown after my divorce my life started falling apart and the more I became dependent on the kindness of others.  My bottom at the time was sleeping in the kitchen of an efficiency apartment that housed three other people.  My head lay at the entrance door and the bathroom door was at my feet.  Most of the food I ate people gave to me, that was when I decided I shouldn't be choosy about what food people give me.  Actually when I re-introduced meat into my diet I ended up getting a lot of food.  People just piled it on and the fridge was always full of stuff.

Although I've reverted back to an omnivorous diet, I haven't become a typical meat and potatoes asshole.  I started trying meat that I never had in my life like frog, squid, octopus, eel, alligator, venison, elk, etc., and  I certainly haven't stopped eating the food I ate when I was a vegetarian and now a lot of its helping me in the recovery of my health.  However, I doubt I'll ever become a vegetarian again.  The politics and philosophy of it  are pretty much like all politics and philosophy, just a load of bullshit that doesn't solve anything.

HUMMUS AND PITA CHIPS

When it comes to snacking I'm more of a salt and crunchy type than a sweet tooth.  However, my big weakness with sweets is soda pop and the snacking indulgence is salty and crunchy which can really be unhealthy and fattening.  However, baked pita chips and hummus are pretty healthy for snacking and not too hard to make.  

Ingredients for Pita Chips
1 package of pita bread
2 tablespoons of olive oil
1 tablespoon of garlic powder
1 teaspoon of kosher salt
1 teaspoon of garlic salt


Oil your pita loaves

Place a whole pita loaf on a cutting board or very clean surface.  put your olive oil in a bowl and dip a barbecue brush into the oil and brush a coat onto the pita loaf.  

A pita pocked covered with olive oil.

spices

 What you really want to do with the spices is try to find the easiest way to distribute them evenly across the tops of oiled pita bread loaves.  In fact you may want to disregard the measurements and sprinkling  the spices separately and eyeball the amounts, this should work.  I've also tried putting them together in a salt shaker and shaking them on the loaf.

The holes are too small for this to work well, If you want to try this I recommend a shaker more like the ones that distribute Parmesan cheese or red pepper flakes.

I even tried mixing some with the oil.  I recommend trying any way you can think of to suit your taste I found I had to put a decent amount on mine to taste it.  You don't want to be too light with it tough.  

I shot the sheet pan with cooking spray, cut the loaves into 8 pieces (They come out the size and shape of Doritos with the small loaves.) and laid them in this arrangement.

Baking
If you want the chips good and crispy put them into an over preheated at 350 degrees Fahrenheit for about ten minutes.  You may need a few minutes more or less depending on how crispy you want them.

After ten minutes in the oven, I take them off the sheet with a spatula and place them on a baking grate thing over another cookie sheet.  According to the great Alton Brown, this is supposed to work better than draining on paper towels.

This bowl has a lid and makes for great pita chip storage.

  Hummus
Premade hummus you get in 8 oz tubs at the supermarket are nice and tasty, but they're a fucking ripoff compared to how much you can make at home for the same price.  It may be a little work, but if you love hummus as much as every hummus fan I know loves hummus, then it's worth it because you get so much bang for your buck!
 
INGREDIENTS
1 can of chick peas (garbanzo beans)  
4 tablespoons of lemon juice
2 tablespoons of tahini
1 teaspoon minced garlic
1 teaspoon kosher salt
olive oil
black pepper to taste

Drain and rinse your chick peas.  This will reduce the sodium from the can.  Place into a food processor or blender.  Personally I have found a blender works best for smooth consistency like creamy peanut butter.  Add the lemon juice and tahini.  I found tahini in the refrigerated Mediterranean food  section with the pre-made hummus and with the olives in the dry aisle, go figure.  This stuff is easy to find if you know what you're looking for.  It's a beige paste-like substance in a jar.  
Add the garlic, salt, and a a drizzle of olive oil.  Add a little bit of water, then give it a good shot with your pepper grinder.  Now start the machine.

This is my roomies' 3 year old.  She loves running the food processor.  Is it safe?  I don't care, it's not my kid, just kidding.

This is the roomies' six year old.  He helps with some other things in the kitchen and isn't too bad with the camera.

 

The food processor takes a while to get that really creamy consistency so it's nice to have some help.

  You want to check the hummus periodically.  Get out a tasting spoon and give it a try.  It should be a little tart from the lemon juice, if not add more.  If it still seems too chunky try adding a little more water, but be careful not to thin it out too much.  A little more tahini or olive oil may make it creamy but not as thin.  This dish is real flexible, so I recommend experiementing with the recipe and adding new flavors.  It can be eaten right away but tastes better marinaded in the fridge for a few hours.

This much hummus cost less than two bucks to make.  It'd probably be about six bucks or more at the supermarket.

 

Millions of Dead Cops were one of the leading punk rock bands to promote vegetarianism in the punk scene and with a name like that they weren't too shy about pissing people off.  I met them when they played in Toledo back in 1986, real nice guys actually.

6. Lentils

I haven't worked a job job since October of 2004.  The reason why I say job job is because I have worked miscellaneous jobs since then.  I had two temporary jobs with Maumee Valley Country Day School in 2005 and 2006 as an assistant teacher, but those were 4 week stints each.  I've been a concert promoter and I was making some money as an artist selling stuff to people I know and at tables and booths at conventions.  However, those last two weren't really paying the bills.  The apartment I had before I moved in with my dad in 2003, it was the last time I paid rent and utilities.  In fact I stopped paying all of my bills I slipped slowly into a mental breakdown.  It was the kind of quiet mental breakdown that started with my divorce and career crash and slowly led to me living off the kindness of others.  

But the last punch in/punch out, work evenings and weekends, and wish I would die on the way to work or while working job job I had I was a delivery driver at Papa John's Pizza for an excruciatingly long October in 2004.  The last morning I worked I went in before open with the asshole of a manager.  Well, apparently some huge order came in that was twice what he thought it was going to be and he panicked because he only had my under-trained ass.  At this point, all I knew how to do was deliver pizzas and fold boxes and I didn't do that very well.  Of course, like every asshole I ever worked for, he blamed me, even thought it was very much his fault I was under-trained.  Up until this point he only worked me on busy nights to whip me into shape for delivery. During this there never was enough time to get me on the phones or on the pizza line.

I used to take a lot more shit from bosses at jobs like this in my twenties, but now I was 34.  I had 8 years of college under my belt and two bachelor's degrees in useless subjects.  I was no longer a kid using a job as a stepping stone to a brighter future.  I was in "the future" and not so starry-eyed about it.  I hated life and mostly I hated myself and I certainly stopped giving a shit about what some shithead manager thought.  So he says to me, "Is this all you can do?"  I replied, "Look, if you give me something to do, I'll do it but it's not going to be perfect right away."  To which he further replied, "Well, if your stupid ass learned this stuff when you were supposed to we wouldn't have any of these problems."  At that point I took my Papa John's cap and shirt (I had a t-shirt on underneath) and threw them to the floor, "Fuck you!"  

"You can't talk to me that way!" he screamed.
"Well, I just did," and I gave him the finger and walked out.  He was yelling shit like, "What am I supposed to do?"  Hey, if he was smart enough to call ME stupid, then he could figure it out.  That cracks me up when people whine like that. Why should I give a shit?  For all I cared I could have drowned that guy in the bathtub face up to watch his expression as he died.  I didn't just say "Fuck you," and give the finger to just that guy that day.  I did it to every boss I ever had before him.  That order I left him alone with was for almost a hundred pizzas.  I still think he didn't suffer enough.  That was the last time I had to work a job like that.

That was about the same time I started drawing comics again, doing art, and selling at ska shows.  My friends started taking me to conventions sharing or actually renting me tables at them.  I used Tony Steele's method for packaging and selling autographed prints of my work and I started making more money.  Then I was given a chance to have a one night showing of my art at the coffee house where I hung out and did a lot of business.  Somewhere in there I did the temporary teaching gigs.  Then when the ska concert promoter left for college I took over and started booking shows.  I wasn't making a steady living but I was bringing in some money for myself doing what I wanted.  It wasn't going to take much more of a boost before it became really lucrative, but then I hit a wall with two things. 1. My car died 2. I came down with heart failure.  Those two things really set me back.

I didn't just give up right there.  I kept booking shows and got rides from friends, but the club I was booking at lost their liquor license and closed.  I couldn't find another club to book all ages shows during the weekend.  I started taking Zoloft for my depression but I was one of the few people that the drug made more depressed and it also gave me a voracious appetite and I started gaining weight.  By the time I figured out what the Zoloft was doing to me I had gained over 40 pounds.  The depression from the Zoloft killed my drawing urge too.  Not too long after that I got into a car wreck that injured my ribs and back.  The back injury limited my mobility some and I gained more weight.  I topped the scales at 373.  I could hardly walk, I was wiped out all the time, and I felt like shit.  I won't even go into the details of how moving out of town made things difficult for me.  That's another entry.  Either way, I thought I was done.  I figured I wouldn't have very much longer to live.  So I applied for welfare and social security disability benefits.  I have been on food stamps for over a year now, but none of the other assistance came through.  I just didn't see my life going much of anywhere.

Now, I have this recovery. A second chance I never thought I'd get.  I am very glad it came and I'm glad I'm getting another chance, but it's kind of frightening to me.  I was preparing for the last few years of my life and didn't have to worry about my future any more.  I'm pretty sure that my social security application will be denied, because almost all of them are the first time, but I am now in no position to make an appeal.  I thought I was going to get the disability in about a year then move back to Toledo to be close to family and friends in my last few years.  However, now I won't be able to make an appeal if I'm getting better, which means I'm going to have to start thinking about working again.  

There's no way in hell I'm ready to go back to work now.  I'm better but I need to be in better shape and slim down.  I hope this will take about a year to get to a reasonable shape.  In the mean time I have to give some serious thought to what I'm going to do.  As it stands now, I really don't know.  I know a lot about what I don't want to do.  

It was suggested I go back to college. Well, I have some serious financial troubles with college.  I've already got a six figure debt with college loan people.  I got a degree in philosophy but I hate philosophy now with the same passion I liked it when I started it.  I also have a bachelor's in English but why get a graduate degree in something that would never be able to pay off my loan.  Besides, if I really want to write I should just write instead of hiding in school like I did eight years.  Aside from all of that I have no idea what I'd do with it.  Again, I don't want to repeat the mistakes of my past and hiding in college was one of them.  I'm not saying going to college is hiding but the way I did was.  I would go back to college if I had a serious goal and I needed college to achieve it.  I'm not going to college to find a goal.  

It may seem ironic that it's taken me this long to bring up cooking, and the most obvious topic of working as a cook.  But the most available jobs for cooks is to work in restaurants, ugh.  Restaurant work, especially in the kitchen, is hot, smelly, tense, and rushed.  Everything weighs on speed.  I'm not a fast worker.  That's one of the reasons why I have such a bad track record with jobs.  I'm that guy at every job that just can't catch up.  If anything I'd like to work in the front as a server or bartender but speed is pretty intense there too and its all nights, weekends, and holidays.  I'm not doing that again, it was never worth missing the good times.
 
I just don't want to work a job I hate.  It doesn't even have to be super awesome but I need to like it.  I like working with people and I like being creative.  I don't like a lot of authority or pressure. It would also have to be something flexible enough to let me go to cons and be with friends.  I know I can't ask for the perfect job to just fall into my lap right away, but it's got to contribute some way to what I will do in the bigger picture.  I just don't want to repeat my past mistakes.  All this and I've barely considered the money factor.  Oy vey!

So I've got a lot to think about but I do have some time to think about it and plan.  This is why I'm spreading on the tabsle now.  Just to see what I have working for me.  I need to really consider what are my strengths, passions, and weaknesses.  At least I have nothing tying me down to where I live in fact I think I need to get the fuck out of Ohio all together.  I'm making decisions here that could be the next twenty or so years of my life.  The years fly by quicker at my age, but they can still punch as hard as ever.

Lentils 

I never heard of lentils until they were mentioned on the British comedy The Young Ones that showed episodes on Sunday nights on MTV back in the 80s.  Neal, the hippy of the group was supposed to prepare them for dinner and did just about everything but that.  Even then I didn't really see a lentil until years later.    Lentils are a high protein legume that come in a variety of colors, most commonly brown or red.  There are countless ways to prepare lentils but the following is a simple and tasty way to prepare them.  You can serve them with just about anything.  The last time I had them I ate them with herbed quinoa.  Do not soak them over night.  Just rinse and drain and they're ready to cook.

The stuff for making lentils.

1 cup of red or brown lentils, rinsed and drained
1 quart (4 cups, 32oz) unsalted chicken broth
1/2 cup of diced onions
1/2 cup diced carrots
 3 teaspoons of minced garlic
red wine vinegar

-Bring the chicken stock to a boil in a large pot.

I reduce the sodium content with an unsalted chicken stock.

  
-Add the lentils, onions, carrots, and garlic.  Allow to return to a boil, then reduce to a simmer.
-Cook for about twenty minutes and taste the lentils for tenderness.  I like my lentils very tender, so I usually cook them another ten minutes.
-When your lentils reach your desired tenderness turn off the heat and let set for about five minutes to allow thickening.  
-When it has reached a desired thickness, add a splash of red wine vinegar and serve.

I found this dish quite tasty and filling.

There were only 12 episodes of The Young Ones, but they hilarious and my favorite British TV show.

5. Guacamole!

Not only do I want to share my cooking experiences in Cookin' with Plaid, but I also want to share milestones in the progress of my self improvement project, and I'm definitely losing more weight!  Unfortunately, I still outweigh my bathroom scale's max. capacity of 330 lbs. and I haven't been weighed since I went to the doctor.  However, I have another indicator of weight loss.  Some of the following story I wrote about in my first entry of this blog.  It was about how a debacle with my pants really got me motivated on my weight loss program.  However, I assure you most of the following is new.  It just rings a few bells.

Over a year ago, I ballooned to a size that limited me to one pair of Levi's 505, with a waist of 54.  Actually, they got to a point where I could fasten the top button and bring the zipper up to within an inch of the top.  Absolutely humiliating, but the truth.  I think it was last November or December that my roommate in Columbus offered to get me more jeans as an early X-mas gift.  I told him that our best bet would be to go on the internet and order them rather than running all over the city of Columbus on some wild goose chase for jeans.  

I went to the Levi's website assuming that I could find every kind of Levi's made in every size they made.  The largest size I could find were 54 waist in any style.  I guess the assumption would be that Levi's "Loose Fitting" 560s are the logical choice for a fat bastard like me, but those jeans are actually made for people with protruding asses.  Despite the fact that I'm morbidly obese, I still have a flat cracker ass.  If anything, I'm a muffin top.  My fat bulges out from about where the top of my ass is all the way around and then droops as if my legs were in some sort of baking cup and the rest expanded from there.  So the jeans fit strangely on my strange body shape and tend to slip off my ass even if they're snug.  I know it barely makes sense, but try telling that to my almost amorphous body.  So I ordered the straight fitting Levi's 505 with the 54 waist.  

I guess the jeans I had been wearing stretched or something (despite the fact that Levi's are more notorious for shrinking), because when the TWO pairs of jeans my roomie so generously bought me came in the mail, they didn't fit.  They really didn't fit.  I couldn't fasten the button at all.  I had a good four inch gap that I could not bridge, much less zip them up.  Even back then I was trying to lose weight (Although it wasn't working very well.  I was still dealing with some health problems that seem to be better now.  I was also battling with a bout of my depression and feeling very self destructive at the time.)  So, I sucked it up and hoped that I would fit in them after some progress with my weight loss program.

Yet, just over a month ago, I developed the rogue-ish tear that I spoke of in the first entry of this blog that inspired this whole project.  Mind you, even after I had a large tear in the back of my pants with a patch sewn on it, I still couldn't zip my pants all the way up.  The first week of August my roomie, a couple of our friends, and I traveled together to Indianapolis, Indiana to attend Gen Con Game Fair.  The trip lasted from Wednesday until Sunday of that week.  Early in that trip my patch came apart again.  It didn't fall off completely but the stitching along one of the long sides came undone.  The only repair I could think of at the time was to buy a box of safety pins at the hotel gift shop and pin the patch to my pants.  It wasn't a very good repair and started to look mangled too.  Mind you, I didn't go to this convention with money that I should have used for pants.  I worked the con for Mayfair Games and they covered the hotel and admission costs, even some food costs.  The rest of the expenses were provided by my generous friends.  Speaking of generous friends, on the way home one of them gave me some money and told me to get some pants without holes in them.  

Just a couple of days after my return from Gen Con I tracked down some Levi's at XL Casual Male that were 60 waist, but 560s.  Now while I was at Gen Con I noticed that I could start zipping my pants up all of the way.  I didn't know if this was weight loss or maybe the tear in my pants provided some give.  So I got the larger pants thinking that if I got the same size I'd be screwed like the jeans my Columbus roomie bought for me.  I went to the store and tried on the jeans and they fit rather comfortably.  I could sit down in them comfortably too.  See, because of my drooping gut my waist expands a few inches when I sit down.  (Yep, this is the gross stuff that makes you hate fat people!)  So I happily bought them.  When I wore them out for a real test drive I didn't notice until then, I was swimming in these jeans.  It's all I can do to keep them from falling down when I walk.  But when you're fat, too big is always better than too small.

So this odd dilemma got me thinking about the 2 pairs of jeans that didn't fit me last November. I figured I could try them on to at least gauge my progress even if they didn't fit.  I was happy to find that they not only fastened but I could zip them up and sit in them.  Mind you, they're a bit snug and I haven't washed them yet so I'm sure I'll lose an inch to shrinkage, but this also tells me I lost about four inches!  It just feels great to makes some progress and to know that if I keep this up, I'll have more than one pair of pants to wear.  Stay tuned for more milestones to come!

Guacamole!

"Then there are foods that sound too humorous to eat.  Did you ever hear of something too funny to eat?  Guacamole!  It sounds like something you wear to a dance.  May I borrow your green guacamole?"

--George Carlin

Carlin at Carnigie Hall

1982 

As funny as it may seem to comic genius George Carlin, guacamole is primarily made of avocados, considered one of the super foods by the likes of Men's Health Magazine and other sources.  Although avocados have some fat content to them, it's the good fats, like in olive oil.  I've been eating a lot of foods with olive oil and I'm losing weight.  Now I can't say much for the pre-packaged guacamole you buy in stores, except read the labels closely and use your best judgment, but when you make it from fresh veggies and spices you have a great dip or sandwich spread that's much healthier than most.  Only hummus or salsa can beat this stuff and that's saying a lot.

Ingredients

3 avocados

lime juice (I get the lime juice in the plastic lime shaped bottle)

1/2 teaspoon of kosher salt

1/2 teaspoon of ground cumin

1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper

1/4 teaspoon red pepper flakes

1/2 medium onion, diced

2 roma tomatoes, diced

1 tablespoon chopped cilantro

1/2 teaspoon of minced garlic

AVOCADOS

Much of what I mentioned in my Avocado Kale Salad recipe goes for avocados in this recipe.  This time I got some perfectly ripe avocados and I took more photos.

Cut into the avocado from the top until you feel the pit and cut all the way around the pit.

Then, you separate the two halves and get one half with a pit.  If it's ripe enough you can gently take the pit out with a spoon without taking too much avocado flesh with it.

Now when they're really rip you should be able to maneuver the spoon between the flesh and the skin of the avocado and work around until you take out all of the flesh at once.  When you put it into the bowl, liberally squeeze some lime juice over the avocado to prevent oxidation (or browning).  You should be able to repeat the same thing with the next avocado.

  Now set aside your lime coated avocado and dice your tomatoes and onions.  

SPICES

Now place your avocado into a large bowl separate from the lime juice, but save the lime juice.  Before you add your onions and tomatoes add the salt, cumin, and cayenne.  Take a hand potato masher and mash it up.  I haven't tried an electric mixer.  So if you do, let me know how it came out.  Mash it up into a gooey mush with as few lumps as possible.  

To the left is a 14 oz bag of cumin powder my roomie had lying around his kitchen.  This is the most cumin powder I've seen in someone's kitchen.  The 3 oz. jar to the right is the biggest container I've seen prior to the other one and that one was a cheapie at just over two bucks. 

 THE FINISH

After you have a good green mush add your tomatoes, onions, cilantro, garlic, and  a teaspoon or two of that leftover lime juice you saved.  Then stir it to a nice consistency.  I used dried cilantro from the jar rather than fresh and it turned out just fine.

Another Kitchen Outlaw tactic I use is a jar of minced garlic.  It saves time and keeps from having fresh garlic around to spoil.  Fresh garlic is still the best but this isn't so bad.

Here's the finished product.  I let it marinade in the fridge for at least two hours before eating.

Men's Health Magazine says this is the best kind of tortilla chip you can buy for the low calories and low fat.  So this should be pretty good for dipping.  Pita chips work well too.

I was 12 years old when I saw the HBO comedy special Carlin at Carnegie Hall and never laughed so hard at a comedian before.  Even then, I knew the guy wasn't just a master of using filthy words but a true genius.  I was lucky enough to see him live in concert before he died.  It is amazing how he could breach topics both mundane and heavily political and make them equally funny.